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The word “love” holds little value in the English language. A thousand other words lighten its usage and shoulder the weight, disparaging “love” to the point where we can no longer seem to identify authenticity.
The Ancient Greeks recognized innate differences in the spectrum of what love carries, and in recent years, there has been a resurgence of ancient Greek words for different kinds of love. Modern sources often cite up to eight kinds, but ancient literature has primarily shown the usage of three: eros, philia and agape.
C.S. Lewis’ “The Four Loves” contributed to the revitalization of ancient Greek terminology, though it doesn’t necessarily aim to utilize each Greek word in its original intent. Rather, it’s a philosophical approach to the concept that love exists in different forms, all serving incredibly distinct purposes. There is a careful balance that must be struck between all forms, whatever they may be, to restore and maintain relationship harmony.
To build on Lewis’ approach, I’d like to examine the three pivotal forms of love that I believe are romantic relational cornerstones. I argue that there is a cavernous gulf in today’s understanding and expectation of romantic love, much of which stems from lacking of two of the three.
Eros represents sexual love. This is the current poster child for society’s depiction of love, hyper-aroused to stardom. Ranging from celebrity crushes to intimate moments, eros is the physical desire that reigns supreme. Even if we understand that a hallway crush on that one guy from period four lacks the emotional depth of “love,” we still often categorize the fleeting feeling into its confines.
Situationships, hook-ups, casual flings — we’ve attempted to uproot eros from its necessary counterparts. No matter how much society wants to treat sex as a surface-level topic, it’s not. There’s an iceberg of emotions and vulnerability tied to it that can’t be subtracted. It doesn’t matter how intense your eros is for someone; it cannot make up for the substance that a relationship demands. Desire is beautiful, but I fear it’s become so shallow that it’s demoralizing.
Philia represents love between friends. This may seem out of place, considering the “relationship” label is typically a graduation from being platonic. But when studies report on the crippling health outcomes related to loneliness and social isolation, they’re not talking about the lack of a romantic relationship — they’re talking about a lack of connection with other humans. Humans evolved to be in a community; even if you’re an introvert, you were ultimately meant to be raised in, cared by and contribute to a greater community.
Of course, the outcomes are exacerbated if you don’t have acquaintances, but the emotional bonding that leads to philia dictates so much of life’s trajectory. Philia isn’t your casual acquaintance or the person you occasionally text for class notes. It’s the fortitude of society that embraces you with weathered hands as you traverse the valleys of life, through thick and thin.
Agape represents self-sacrificial love. This, I feel, encapsulates the original intent behind “love” meant between lovers. Be careful not to misinterpret this as toxic; agape isn’t destroying yourself to please another, but it’s the ultimate emanation of humility. It’s intimately experiencing the oscillating spectrum of indulgent joy and painful wounds that string two humans together.
Agape hurts because you are so faithfully determined to love, even if unrequited. You don’t perpetuate arguments to be “right.” You’re irritated by the way they sneeze, but you would take a bullet for them. You sometimes dislike them, but you will always love them. Loving them isn’t a chore; it’s a privilege.
All three points on the trifecta are integral. Philia with agape is your platonic soulmate. Eros with agape lacks the deep-seated trust and charismatic glee shared between friends. But philia and eros will, frankly, fail. If the other two are supporting pillars, agape doubles as the structural foundation.
Nurturing these loves, particularly agape, takes time. In a world built on instant gratification, it’s no wonder eros reigns supreme. But I promise that if you faithfully love with agape, philia and eros, you will find a fulfillment in your relationships that’s lacking in so many others.
Reach Carmel Pan at letters@collegian.com or on social media @RMCollegian.
