Satire: Who would win? Round two.

Charles Darwin versus Lana Del Rey

Charles Darwin is often referred to as one of the most influential scientists in history, with his theory on natural selection laying the groundwork for evolutionary science for years to come.

Lana Del Rey, on the other hand, made “Norman Fucking Rockwell.” I won’t keep my readers hanging, this battle is a done deal with Lana coming out victorious. To begin with, Lana has 10 Grammy nominations, whereas Charles has 0. Darwin’s theory of natural selection has definitely progressed our current understanding of evolution, but at the end of the day it’s still a theory. Del Rey, however, provides substance. Outside of a biology class there’s really nothing for me to do with the concept of natural selection. I can, however, sob on the shower floor to “How to Disappear” by Lana Del Rey. 

I’m not hating Darwin by any means, he’s definitely made waves in the science community, but I’m certain that with enough time Del Rey would have been able to piece together natural selection on her own. I’m not so certain that Darwin would have been able to come up with the lyric “Your mom called, I told her, you’re fucking up big time,” like Lana did. 

Darwin: 0 Lana: 5 grammy nominations

Gwyneth Paltrow versus Big Tobacco 

Gweyneth Paltrow once revealed in an interview that she allows herself a single cigarette a week. As a former pack a day smoker, I’ve always admired this about her. There’s a strength and elegance in her ability to balance this unhealthy habit with the wellness lifestyle she promotes through her company Goop. 

Goop was founded by Paltrow, originally beginning as a newsletter, and eventually developing into a full fledged commercial company. Its products are along the lines of fragrances, supplements and anti-aging medication. While the company has received several lawsuits and consistently been a center for criticism, I can’t help but call myself a fan. 

Paltrow has tapped into the deep psyche of late stage capitalism and manipulated thousands of impressionable women into adopting lifestyles backed solely by pseudoscience. Big Tobacco has certainly made similar moves in American culture, yet, Big Tobacco relies on the inherent addictiveness of nicotine, whereas Paltrow has managed to hook her subscribers with literally nothing but an aesthetic. 

Add that to Paltrow’s ability to occasionally tap into a cigarette, you’ve got yourself a win for Gwyneth. 

Gwyneth: 1 Big Tobacco: 0 Me: 3 months without a cigarette 

@dthopinion |

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